What If?

Sometimes I think about what could have been. I think about things that I have gone through and I wonder...why did this have to happen this way? What if it would have gone this way? What if that day....would have been the best day of my life?

I have been thinking lately about what I want..who I want to be...where I want to be. And I'm getting there. But there is one thing that has been bothering me the last two weeks. And there is no way to understand it, or fix it. I just feel this huge elephant in my stomach. and its blowing water up into my head and making me feel...confused. I feel like puking my guts out. It's like this nervous feeling that won't go away. I have NO decision to make. I know that what I have is best for me and I am sticking to that....but....what if? What if I tried something different? I would lose something I love...and...then what? I'd be alone with these feelings of "what if" again...but still. What if?